It has been a while since I last wrote a stream-of-consciousness post. At least, I like to think I have most of my posts organized with tighter structure. But sometimes it is good, I think, to use a looser writing style. Who knows? It might yield some aphorisms like those of Pascal and Nietzsche.
While I listen to Bach now, I remember that this is probably the first Easter Sunday on which I have missed church. Funny that my missing church services on Easter Day is due largely to my having attended a Good Friday service.
And Good Friday was a day when I had declared, for various reasons, Taedet animam meam vitæ meæ. But Job is not suicidal when he says that. And I am not even Job. I have a good family and friends who care and who have godly counsels. No, I am not wanting in good things, for the Lord is my shepherd.
And though I may once in a while be tempted to become a priest, I resist that vain desire. To enter the presbyterate for a house of delusion is not blessed by God. For now, I can rest content with what I can do as a layman. And anyway, even if I became a cleric, I would, in order to impose no burden on the Church respecting money, have to hold other gainful employment, even if it were not a career.
But I wonder, is it a middle-class obsession to have a career with a clear cursus honorum? Clearly, tradesmen have also had careers. But perhaps it is a uniquely capitalist middle-class thing to feel the need to have a career in order to know one’s place in life.
Only, I also know not whether I shall ever marry. ’Tis not the time to think about marriage, and (as my father points out) thinking about whether it will ever be the time is also thinking about marriage, so I shall leave off thinking about that one.
A tendency is a tendency; what matters is what we do with what we are given. May the Lord grant me the grace to follow him with all that I am, all that he has made me. It will all be clear in his time, and at the resurrection of the dead he will tell all, and it will be gloriously clear.
Yesterday was the Clear Brightness Festival. I even thought I would go up to the graveyard to sweep the ancestral tombs and cut the grass a little. But, again, what befell me on Good Friday has prevented my doing so. Wednesday will be the anniversary of my grandfather’s death; perhaps by then I shall be able to drive again. We shall see.
In any case, I think it a remarkable coïncidence that the day on which the Chinese swept the tombs was Holy Saturday, just before Easter Day, the day of our Lord’s resurrection. Remember that the dead will rise in Christ.